Music & Art

BETH AUBUT – clawing her way out of hell

by Robert “Bob” Bussey

I’m going outside the box this time. Way outside the box. All of my prior articles have been about poets who live in the central Louisiana area. This time I want to introduce you to a new poet from the east coast, Beth Aubut. I first met her via the Facebook page called “A Poet’s Haven.” If you haven’t found that page, look it up. It is filled with emerging poets.

I was taken by the frank nature of her poetry about severe problems in life. Then she published a book of poems, not just a short chapbook, but a full-fledged book of poems that came from her heart, from her life experiences. Beth has watched from the inside what it is like to live with a drug addict and become an abused woman as a result. Her poetry delves deeply into those experiences. But she is not what I would call a “grief poet” or “woe is me” poet that we often find after they have lost a loved one or gone through a nasty divorce. Nope, she is an “in your face,” up front, tell it like it is poet. No pity party here. Instead, a long hard look at how a life can get so f…ed up, and what it takes to get out of that f…ing environment. Beth is not the first author in the world who has experienced drug issues in one form or another. There is long list of those.

A short list that you might be familiar with include the following:

Robert Lewis Stevenson…….cocaine
Aldous Huxley ………………LSD and mushrooms
Tennessee Williams …………alcohol
Dylan Thomas ……………….alcohol
William Burroughs ………….. heroin and opium
Edgar Allen Poe………………alcohol
Charles Dickens …………….. opium

Her work is not just about addiction, although the addiction goes hand in hand with the other themes of abuse, denial, lies, mental health, and betrayal. Her poetry, although raw, also invites the reader to think about their own lives and perhaps draw analogies, and perhaps a path to a way out. Other poets have written books of poetry that have a similar focus: Amanda Lovelace and Courtney Peppernell, to name a few. Like those authors, Aubut, faces life head on. Her book, “Soul Sold,” lets the reader reflect, analyze, and perhaps figure out solutions to multiple problems. With that, and without analyzing her poetry style, I set out now a few of the poems that appear in the book.

Confessional poetry or “Confessionalism” is a style of poetry that emerged in the United States in the 50’s and 60’s, well before Beth was born. It is sometimes classified as a form of Postmodernism (I’ll let you look that one up.). It has been described as poetry of the personal or “I,” about extreme moments of individual experience, the psyche, and personal trauma, including previously and occasionally still taboo matters such as mental illness, sexuality, and suicide, often set in relation to broader social themes. It was the type of poetry that was “in your face” about problems that the poet had experienced.

I generally do not like to put any poet into one category or another. Poets like to drift with the wind. But “Soul Sold” fits so neatly into the confessional category that I just can’t help it. And she is in a group of some of the best poets of those baby boomer years: Robert Lowell, Sylvia Plath, John Berryman, Anne Sexton, and W. D. Snodgrass.

Beth Aubut’s book touches upon many of the themes found in other confessional poetry books: mental illness, trauma (physical and mental), sexuality (and the abuse of sex), and then into the world of drugs that swirled around her as she watched people fall into the darkness of hell. But she does not stop there. Instead, she claws her way out and is able to find a light that lets her surface and become a part of our living society.

A Pawn
I see my pain reflecting in his eyes as the
game continues to materialize.
The person I’ve known for so many years,
I struggle to watch as he slowly dies.
I am nothing to him but a pawn, as he
is a player with spies.
The twisting and turning of words and
actions filled with hurtful lies.
Nothing changes his ways, even the bellow of my cries.
The drugs flow through his veins,
deteriorating all personal ties.
He was voluntarily captured in a web
within a dark world where he fed his highs.
The deceptive methods used to lead to
a checkmate with a hurtful surprise.
My anger spiked as revenge was on the rise.
The aftermath resulted in a loss
of friendship, which was his prize.
He smiles…
As I sever all ties…

How many of us have had a relationship with a person who was on an even keel to begin with, but then ended up hooked on one drug or another? How often did those drugs consume every waking moment of that person? How many of us watched as the person we knew and loved went down the road of personal destruction? How many of us experienced our own grief our own deep sadness as that other person turned into an animal that wanted only one thing … the next high.

Soul Sold
Your bloodshot eyes.
Your destructive, fake lies.
Your addiction soars for more;
Your deceptive words explore;
Your manipulation is spinning;
Your malicious deceit towards me is obviously apparent. We all now see.

Your game plans progressed rapidly,
ramifications resulted from drug overdose intertwined
with the exploitation of non-consensual sex.
Your actions to intentionally hurt are just a pretext…
Premeditated pain inflicted by you, struggling to find a key,
seeping blood dripping in ruby droplets.

Your thoughts are urging ugly acts,
your body purges evil while it seeks constant relief.
I am now absorbed in your vicious highs.
Losing my identity with every bag.
Stealing peeks throughout, as valuables were silently appropriated from me.

There will be no forgiveness or remembering participation which reveals your true morals.
Your truth has set me free from you, who gleefully destroyed my castoff soul – leaving it to fester in the gutter.

Forgiveness will never be allowed.
You drugged me!
Tortures left bruises on my skin left by druggies
To acquire real drugs, injecting them.
Oh, so easily!
False words are heard by you repeatedly!
You hurt people for drugs without remorse.
My time is finally here.
I can watch you disappear
into hell’s abyss as I celebrate without being vandalized ever again.
I’m free.

In Silence
In silence, I grieved, never to be shared…
The secret is he sadistically raped my Soul.
My heart was broken into pieces and stolen.
I was played like a game, just a roll of the dices.

In silence, my spirit was decievedl never to be the samel
I am still in emotional pain.
Time has taken its toll after numerous years.
I speculated on legal opportunities for my revenge.

In silence, only my traumatic tears remain untouched.
His addiction consumed all of the blame.
The drug needles flowed into his bulging vein.
He realized the known overdoes rish=ks.

In silence, he ignores the warnings, continuing to lie,
Which could cause him to die.
Delusional highs as he continues to fly.
Picturing himself sinking into the night sky.

In silence, my spirit was and is still deceived.

Healing Of The Scars
I’m gazing off into the distance, and
nothingness fills my sight…
The blur of my life proceeded as years flew by.
I can’t fathom the reasons why.
Massive triggers of a spinning mood,
making me dizzy.
I continuously cry.
I beg for my pain to create with countless tries.
Everyday,
I see his face,
remembering all the trauma-tainted lies.
His presence negatively affected me with restraining shackled ties.
I am humiliated by the existence of voyager’s spies.
My loving Soul, sold for their highs.

The experiences were painfully shocking,
undeniably real.
Revenge is risky,
pulling me backward,
time reversed as I begin to piercingly feel.
A pricey punishment is integral to healing.
I am searching,
finding pieces of my suffocated Soul.
The deep, violated feelings have taken their toll.
Presently, I’m not low.
The healing of the scars…
will make me whole.

If you would like to read more about her journey confronting addiction and its impact on her life, you can find her book “Soul Sold” at the following locations:

Soul Sold: Real and Raw Poetry – Kindle edition by Aubut, Beth E. . Self-Help Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com
Soul Sold, (Paperback) – Walmart.com
And at other book seller sites.
Beth Aubut also has her own web page located at https://authorbetheaubut.com

Beth Aubut is a fighter. Someone who has waded through deep waters and survived. Her book is worth the read.

Robert Bussey is a local attorney and poet who has resided in CENLA since 1986. He interviews other poets and then writes these articles to help promote poetry. You can reach him at Rlbussey450@icloud.com if you are a poet and would like to be interviewed.

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