By Jeanni Ritchie
But, what happens when you calmly communicate your feelings…and are still met with silence?
For me, being ignored or “ghosted” is worse than direct conflict. It is a long-held trigger for me that pulls me into feelings of being unworthy and unloved. The sting of rejection and the pain of feeling like I don’t matter once sent me spiraling into the deepest recesses of despair.
I have learned how to stop the intrusive thoughts and disentangle others’ actions from my self-worth.
But the hurt feelings often remain.
Feeling unheard, unappreciated, or unloved is a universal problem. Moms, spouses, friends, adult kids… Everybody eventually stands in this exact hallway.
It is knowing what to do once you’re there that determines how it will affect you.
While you cannot control someone else’s thoughts and actions, it helps to understand where they may be coming from.
There are usually only three things happening when someone stays silent. These are not excuses — just the common realities.
* They don’t have the emotional capacity right now
Sometimes people are so flooded, defensive, or avoidant that responding feels overwhelming to them. This is especially common with conflict-avoidant personalities
and people living in chronic stress.
This silence hurts like rejection even when it isn’t meant that way.
* They are intentionally avoiding discomfort
This is the harder truth sometimes. Their
silence can be avoidance, procrastination of hard conversations, hoping feelings will “blow over” or emotional immaturity.
It doesn’t mean they don’t care. Rather, it often means they don’t know how to walk into emotional heat and they’re choosing the path of least resistance.
* They are drawing a boundary
This is when silence is more deliberate distancing. It is hurtful when one person feels the need for the boundary and the other doesn’t, but I’ve been on both sides of this equation and neither is easy.
If you are on the receiving end of unwanted boundary building, my suggestion is to merge the popular “Let Them” theory with the biblical principle of reconciliation. Respect with hope.
Regardless of which of these fits your situation, going on “standby mode” allows you to keep living the fullness of your life, while acknowledging the pain of separation without letting it rule your heart and mind.
It beats the “scab-picking mode” I once operated in. Unwilling to let a wound heal, I picked at the edges and winced as new pain set in. I’d get tired of waiting for a bruised relationship to heal and rip the scab off, causing delayed mending and greater damage.
“Leave it alone!” my soul would nudge. I never listened. You can’t throw dynamite without expecting to get burned, and I’d become a master pyrotechnician.
I caused a lot of permanent damage that way, losing friends and loved ones with whom I’d tried to forcefully mend relationships that had hit a rough patch. It was not only disrespectful to them, it was heartwrenching for me. It never ended well.
So what DO you do when you’ve communicated clearly and still receive no response?
You’ve expressed hurt. You’ve been clear. You didn’t explode. You didn’t chase repeatedly. Now the only move left is to hold your position and stand by.
Not punish.
Not chase.
Not pretend nothing happened.
Just… stand by.
