By Jeanni Ritchie
In the mid-90’s I decided I needed to write a book about the don’ts of supporting a grieving person. If it shouldn’t have been said, I heard it. I wanted to spare those in throes of grief from the words that left me wanting to join my daughter six feet under.
But that level of hurt and anger helps no one, certainly not the grieving nor their supporters. Over time, I was able to look at these hurtful words a little more pragmatically. Most people meant well. I had to give grace to those who were at least trying to be supportive. One good friend just ghosted me after telling me she could no longer be around me because she was afraid her unborn baby would die too. I grieved that friendship along with my daughter.
At least the former classmate who told me “Three was enough anyway” when he’d heard that my fourth child died was trying to be helpful. In time, I realized at 25 he’d had zero exposure to infant death and had been caught off guard as my 3 year old son blurted it out in the middle of Chuck E. Cheese one day.
I also started filing away the things that had helped me- the definite DOs of grief. I’ll never forget the image of Mom’s childhood best friend, Mrs. Sandy Turner, standing in her kitchen after the visitation washing dishes as people came and went from Mom’s house. I don’t remember the food- though I’m sure there was tons- or anyone actually eating, but I remember her standing there washing the dishes. A normal act in the midst of my haze.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I stored “wash dishes” as something to do without prompting when visiting someone grieving.
I’ve washed and dried several sinkfuls since then.
But the words…oh the words. They can be a balm or they can be a sword slicing open a fresh wound. Remember that your words are often having to go through a barrage of emotions and a mind-numbing haze. The griever can be at any stage of the grief process- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance- and will react accordingly.
Here are my top dos and don’ts to support a griever:
Don’t Assign Positive Meaning To Their Loss
In our effort to encourage and support the griever, people try to project the current situation into a better future way too soon. Saying “Time will heal all things” is not helpful. Telling a mother with empty arms her child “is in a better place” is devastating. There is a real physical ache, much like phantom limb pain after a baby dies. A parent with dementia may be free from the disease but that doesn’t minimize the hurt of their absence.
Do Help with Tangible Needs
Wash dishes, pick up items from the grocery store, bring a meal. Babysit. Carpool. Take pets for a walk. Even the smallest tasks become Herculean in the midst of grief. My friend Christine came over a few days after my daughter had died. She’d brought a meal and asked if I needed help with anything. There were two things I couldn’t bring myself to do- dismantle the crib still in my bedroom and throw out the bags of breast milk I’d pumped for six weeks while she was in the hospital. She immediately took care of both. Follow The Grieving Person’s Lead Be an attentive active listener. Allow the griever to take the conversation where it needs to go. Make room for plenty of silence. Don’t jump in to fill space with unnecessary commentary.
Do Stay in the Crux
When someone dies, particularly a child, the griever’s life is marked with a deep crux. The initial support is a cushion from the deep crevice. But then life goes on for everyone else and it’s as if the death truly didn’t affect them. The grieving are stuck alone, in a deep hole, where time has stood still. Be the friend that reaches out a week later. Or sends cards for the first six months. Stay in the crux with them as they adjust to a new normal. Refrain From Platitudes Refrain from platitudes, religious or otherwise, like “God needed an angel” or “Everything happens for a reason.” The grieving person is often wondering why but it’s not your job to answer that question.
Never Say Anything That Starts With The Phrase “At Least…” Comparing and contrasting your own grief experiences or throwing in worse-case scenarios to minimize grief is neither helpful nor healthy. A person’s grief is not measurable by a set of standards and doing so often leaves them feeling guilty not supported.
Do Join a Meal Train
There’s always an abundance of food during and right after a funeral but as the weeks go on, there’s still a family to be fed. Start or participate in a meal train (either an official online meal train or an old-school sign up to deliver meals). It is one of the biggest ways you can help a grieving family.
Don’t Stifle Emotions
As an active listener, be open to any emotions the griever may express through verbal and nonverbal means – anger, yelling, silence, rage, disbelief, denial, crying. Let them be where they are- there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Just be a safe space for them. Don’t give them a timeline or compare their grief to anyone else’s.
Do Remember Birthdays and Anniversaries
Try to remember birthdays and anniversaries. Those are often difficult days. Sending a card or a text will let the griever know that you are remembering too, reminding them that they are not alone.
Grief wears many hats. There’s no one size fits all. I’ve sent cards every week for a year to a widow and taken fun photos for another grieving wife and mother who wanted to experience life one afternoon. I’ve sat in the dark while one friend cried and gone to an arcade to shoot away stress with another. While all the dos and don’ts are helpful, each person’s grief is different and you must be sensitive to each situation.
Jeanni Ritchie is a contributing journalist from Central Louisiana. She can be reached at jeanniritchie54@gmail.com.
