By Jeanni Ritchie
I read about this new theory called “gray rocking” at a challenging time in my life. Dealing with a handful of narcissists, whose gaslighting and lies resembled the two-decade marital struggle I’d finally broken free from, I was sucked back into a situation where I could do nothing right. Apologizing, placating, fighting back…all roads led to a dead end. Quite simply, I couldn’t win.
I tried. I attempted to kill with kindness, stand up for myself, apologize for things I never did, ignore, pray harder…you name it, I tried it. I was always the enemy and there was never a two-way conversation.
That’s the thing with narcissists. They see things one way only and never take accountability for where they are wrong. Ironically, they are also big on preaching biblical truths or extolling mental health mantra. But they are blind to their own faults and calling them out on their own wrongdoing is met with anger or an attempt to twist the narrative on you.
Like I said, I’d had over 20 years of practice before walking away when this new challenge arose. This time it was a little harder to just walk away. I had to learn how to keep from being sucked into a no-win situation.
That’s when I heard about “gray rocking.”
“Gray rocking” is a technique used to deal with manipulative, narcissistic, or emotionally abusive individuals by becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible. The goal is to cut off their “narcissistic supply” by refusing to provide the reactions or attention they crave. This involves keeping interactions brief, neutral, and emotionally detached, essentially making yourself as unappealing as a gray rock.
What it involves:
•Minimal responses: Keep answers short, factual, and devoid of emotion.
•Non-engagement: Avoid arguments, debates, or lengthy explanations.
•Emotional detachment: Show no emotional reactions, whether positive or negative.
•Limited personal information: Share only what is absolutely necessary, avoiding anything that could be used to manipulate you.
•Brief interactions: Keep conversations short and end them as quickly as possible.
•Neutral body language: Avoid eye contact, maintain a neutral facial expression, and use a calm tone of voice.
It should be noted that this is a temporary solution, used in situations you cannot avoid like in a workplace or a family gathering. It requires a great deal of self-control and can be emotionally draining. But it can also keep a volatile situation from escalating.
However, if that seems a little too cold for you, try “yellow rocking” which is basically gray rocking with a touch of warmth and politeness.
Jeanni Ritchie is a contributing journalist from Central Louisiana who is entirely too colorful and chipper to ever successfully gray rock someone. But that doesn’t mean she won’t try!
